Making off with the Map
by TheDancingFamilySkeleton
Summary: James Sirius Potter is on a mission. And he will succeed--Even if it means mauling his brother, traumatizing his sister, upsetting his godbrother and babysitter, destroying the house and getting grounded for the rest of forever.


**MAKING OFF WITH THE MAP**

_Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine._

He was crazy. That was the only possible explanation. There was no way in the world that he'd be doing this otherwise.

No. Way.

He took a deep breath and reached forward to unleash his owl, Porcupine, on the poor, unsuspecting house. Then he froze right before his hand reached the latch. He ran over to his desk and pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill.

_Guys,_ He wrote, _I'm starting. And I just wanted to let you know that if I die, it's all your fault for asking me to do the impossible. And, I'm giving my chocolate frog card collection to Al. So there!_

Then, before he could change his mind, he opened the door to his bedroom and then the door to Porcupine's cage. James Sirius Potter was on a suicide mission and he now had no choice but to succeed or spend the rest of his life grounded for nothing.

Porcupine let out a furious shriek and immediately flew past James and out the bedroom door.

"No!" James shouted as loudly as he could, making sure to trip over a shoe and fall to the floor with a deafening crash, "OW!" He yelped, before scrambling to his feet as clumsily as he could.

James winced as he knocked the glass dragon figurine his Uncle Charlie had given him for Christmas to the floor and it shattered into a million pieces. However, he determinedly ignored it and stumbled out into the hall, purposely losing his balance and crashing into Al's bedroom door with enough force to send it flying open.

"OW! 'ames!" Al, James' little brother, yelped. James glanced up just long enough to see that the door had slammed into Al and caused him to topple into his nightstand.

"Sorry Al!" James shouted as he scrambled to his feet and hurtled down the stairs.

He ran straight into Teddy Lupin, his godbrother and current babysitter, (not that he needed one, James thought sourly as they collided, he was twelve!)and knocked him over. They both went tumbling down the stairs.

"Ow!" Teddy yelled, "James! What do you think you're do—"

"Sorry Teddy! No time to explain! Gotta go!" James sprinted past the stunned Teddy and started glancing around the sitting room wildly. "Porcupine! Come _on_, Porcup—"

A loud shriek interrupted James' call.

Lily.

James did an impossibly quick turn about and ran back up the stairs. Teddy was on the second step when James ran by, pushing him out of his way.

"Sorry Ted!"

Then he reached the second floor and began to run full out toward Lily's room. Before he reached it, though, he slammed head first into someone and, together, they crashed to the floor.

"Oof!"

James ignored the person—Al, he realized with a quick glance—and scrambled to his feet, accidentally kneeing Al in the face as he went.

"Sorry Al!" James shouted over his shoulder as another shriek rang out.

James reached Lily's bedroom just in time to see Porcupine dive toward his little sister.

"Look out!" James yelped.

Lily, who had been trying to clean away the pile of clothes in front of her closet door, leapt into the closet just in time for Porcupine to miss her.

"Get it away from me!" Lily shouted, desperately kicking away the clothes blocking the closet door.

"Porcupine!" James yelled, jumping for his insane owl. However, he purposely jumped a little late and missed.

"Lily! Are you okay?" Teddy shouted as he suddenly slid into the doorway. Just then, Lily managed to close her closet door with a loud bang, effectively separating herself from Porcupine.

"She's fine!" James yelled to Teddy as he leapt toward the owl. Instead of catching the beast, he crashed headlong into Lily's dresser.

"What are you even _doing_, James?" Teddy demanded as Al crept up behind him, holding a tissue to his bleeding nose.

"Trying—to—catch—" Here James made a wild grab for the owl, who abruptly flew into Lily's goldfish bowl and knocked it to the floor.

Lily's fish, Bubbles, started flapping around on the rug. James's eyes widened as Porcupine zoned in on the innocent, though suffocating, fish.

"No!" James yelped, diving toward his owl.

"What's going on?" Lily's frightened voice asked from the closet. Teddy had already picked Bubbles up and put him back in the empty bowl and was now racing for the bathroom in order to refill it with water.

"Nothing!" James shouted in reply, as the owl swooped toward the door. Then James hollered, "Al, look out!"

Al ducked, but not in time to avoid getting scratched in the scalp. Al let out a bloodcurdling cry as James raced into the hallway after his owl.

"Did Porcupine kill Al?" Lily shrieked, sounding terrified.

James nearly crashed headfirst into Teddy, who was racing back towards Lily's room with a half full goldfish bowl in his hands and wild eyes. Luckily, he veered just in time. Unluckily, by this time, his Mum's cat, Megaera, had appeared to see what all the fuss was about and James had stepped on her tail.

The furious cat let out a loud yowl and sped down the hall seconds behind Teddy. James didn't wait to see what would happen next. Now was his chance.

Racing down the stairs, James ignored his owl, who was knocking down all of the figurines and photographs on the mantelpiece. Instead, James hurtled towards his dad's study.

There was a lout crash from the upstairs as Megaera let out another furious yowl, and James cautiously slid the door open. James gulped, but hurried in because he knew had barely any time to accomplish what needed to be accomplished. And if he was caught—well, Al would be getting a whole lot of chocolate frog cards before the funeral.

After all, there was a _reason_ the Potter kids weren't allowed in their dad's study. That was where he kept all of the important Auror messages and reports. James would be dead if anyone caught him in there. Still, James ignored the sick feeling in his stomach and quietly began to open the drawers in his dad's desk and rummage around in them.

It wasn't in the first drawer.

James heard a loud moan and then several impressive curse words from upstairs—Megaera must have been in a really bad mood—as he started shuffling through the contents of the second drawer.

It wasn't in there either.

James felt his heartbeat speed up as he looked at the third drawer. It was in there. It had to be.

James slid it open and then let out a yelp as a shrill whistle broke the silence of the study and added to the din upstairs where James could here Lily wailing, Al shouting and the cat yowling. Porcupine let out a furious shriek that knocked James back to the present. He ignored the sneak-o-scope that was sounding from the drawer (and since when had Dad had one of those?) and reached his hand in the drawer, desperately rustling through the papers. And then—there! There it was!

James pulled it out triumphantly, slammed the drawer shut—the whistle stopped immediately—and sprinted out of the study, closing the door behind him. Just then, Porcupine swooped down on him.

"Ow!" James yelled, "Stop—ouch—Porcupine—No! That's—OW!" James tried to bat the owl away with one arm as he shoved the parchment into his pocket much more recklessly than he would have liked.

Then, the doorbell rang.

James heard footsteps pounding down the stairs. James ignored them because, at that moment, the vicious attack had stopped. James glanced up to see Porcupine swoop toward the kitchen. James' eyes widened.

"No!" He yelped, crashing over the couch and racing past Teddy and the open front door after his owl.

"—perfectly fine—" James heard Teddy say as he tried to catch all the plates Porcupine was knocking off the top shelf.

"—not a thing to worry about, really—"

James let out a howl of pain as Porcupine dropped Mum's coffee cup on his bare foot.

"—just a game we're playing—"

"Knock it _off_! This isn't funny, you stupid owl!" James shouted, glaring fiercely at his pet.

"—at all necessary for you to come in. I assure you, I can hand—"

Porcupine swooped toward the window. James, knowing what was about to happen next, winced in sympathy.

Porcupine flew straight into the glass and knocked himself out.

"James!" Teddy suddenly called, sounding a bit tense, "Could you come here for a minute?"

James froze. That didn't sound good. James quickly glanced down at the large pocket in his pajama pants. There was no sign that the parchment was there. He quickly scooped up Porcupine and trotted toward the front door.

Teddy, who was looking rather worse for the wear, with three long scratches down his face, a large bump on his forehead and blood stains on his shirt, scowled down at him before jerking his head toward the door. James reluctantly glanced at it, and felt his heart sink

Standing at the threshold were his next door neighbors.

"Er, hello, Mr. Lincoln, Mrs. Lincoln."

Mr. Lincoln, a tall, muscular man with dark eyes, scowled at him while Mrs. Lincoln, a thin woman, with a thin face and an even thinner mouth, narrowed her eyes at him. James had a sudden, insane urge to hide Porcupine behind his back. These two muggles might kill the owl for disturbing their rest. After all, they'd nearly killed James three summers ago, when he'd accidentally set off his Uncle George's Extra-Loud Extra-Bright fireworks at three in the morning. And James was a human.

"Hello James. Is everything all right here?" Mrs. Lincoln asked him sharply.

"Er," James shot a glance at Teddy who only glared down at him, "Yeah. Everything's fine."

The Lincolns continued to stare at him.

Finally, when the silence became unbearable, James awkwardly asked, "Erm, everything alright with you?"

"No," said Mrs. Lincoln coldly, "It's not."

"Oh," James paused, before tentatively adding, "I'm really sorry to hear that?"

The silence stretched out again, Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln looking more and more furious by the minute. James shifted his feet, glancing back and forth between Teddy's furious face inside and Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln's furious faces outside.

"Erm, I'm sorry?" James hazarded, even though he really wasn't.

"For what?" Mr. Lincoln suddenly demanded, "For waking us up at one in the morning with your racket? For scaring us out of our minds, thinking robbers were in your house? For being nasty to your babysitter? For _killing_ that owl?"

Now that, James thought, was taking things too far, "Now, wait a minute. I didn't _kill_ anythi—"

"Teddy?"

James froze.

"What's going on?"

"Mr. Lincoln? Mrs. Lincoln? Is everything okay?"

James watched with increasing horror as his mum and dad walked into the light of the porch, in the fancy clothes they'd worn to go to the Ministry party earlier that evening. Mum was already glaring at him and she didn't even know what had happened yet. Dad was staring at the unconscious Porcupine in James's arms, looking like he had a _very_ good idea of what had happened and was hoping he was wrong.

Just then, Lily appeared beside Teddy. Her eyes were red-rimmed and she had tear tracks on her face. James's heart sunk. He was so dead.

"Mum! James' owl tried to eat me!" She wailed, sprinting out of the house and into Mum's waiting arms. Mum's eyes narrowed over Lily's shoulder and James unconsciously took a step back, clutching Porcupine harder.

"Hey, Dad?" Al called.

"Yes, Al?" Dad called back, raising his eyebrows at James' panicked look.

"I think James gave me a black eye when he made my nose bleed. Can you fi—" Al stopped mid-sentence when he saw Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln and Mum. But it was too late.

Feeling wild panic (he wasn't ready to die yet! He was only twelve! He still needed a babysitter!), James whirled around, fully planning on running, but Teddy caught his shoulder.

"And where do you think _you're_ going?" Mum asked in a steely voice.

James gulped and slowly turned around to meet his fate.

Two hours later, Porcupine was back in his cage and James in his room. He had gotten yelled at for an hour after the Lincolns left and were apologized to, and had been told—in no uncertain terms—that tomorrow he _would_ be cleaning up the entire mess and he _would_ be writing apology letters to the Lincolns, Teddy, Al, and Lily and the cost to pay for all the damage to the house (and there was a lot of it) _would_ be coming out of James's allowance and he _would not_ be flying for the rest of the summer. And, most importantly, if James ever fed Porcupine another chocolate frog ever, ever, _ever_ again, he would dead and ten feet under in ten seconds flat.

However, it'd be worth it—it would be _so_ worth it—if the parchment in his pocket was what he thought it was.

James slowly sat up and listened intently. The house was perfectly quiet. James slowly pulled out the parchment he'd stuffed into his pocket.

It was crumpled from James's rough treatment of it and yellowing with age.

James smoothed it out reverently and stared at it with shining eyes.

He grabbed his wand from the night table and placed it on the parchment whispering, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." Spidery lines began to curl over the paper, ending with the flourishing words:

**Mssrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs**

**Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers**

**are proud to present**

**THE MARAUDER'S MAP**

A slow grin spread across the James' face. He'd successfully stolen the Marauder's Map.

_Wicked._

Fin.

_A/N: This oneshot is an excerpt of a fic that I'm hoping to write about James, his new friends and his years at Hogwarts. If you could review and let me know how you liked the oneshot and if you'd be interested in seeing more of James, Porcupine and the 'guys' James was writing to, I'd really appreciate it. And constructive criticism is more than welcome. Thanks._


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